How to be confident when you think you cannot

I have come a long way. I can now stand in front of 50 people, if not 100, and talk with confidence. I can take up any roles, even the most dreaded Master of Ceremony role in Toastmasters. I learned how to think on the feet, which helped me in speaking up. I don't fear putting my thoughts and opinions across the table during any discussions or arguments. Now I can articulate my thoughts and influence people, not only in toastmasters but also in personal and professional life. I started leading the meetings and showcases with more than 50 global audiences. Seeing my ability to lead and influence people, I got the new role as release lead. I now even attempt the toughest, i.e., Humour, in my speeches and presentations in the office.

Have I always been like this? Have I been this confident forever?

NO! Never!

My legs trembled, hands shook, and voice quavered whenever I went on stage.

It all started when I was in the 4th standard. I had registered my name for the Mono act competition. It is the acting performance done by a single person where He/she will assume the role of all characters in the story. My aunt and the class teacher helped me prepare weeks before the competition. I was enacting so well that the teacher boasted about me to all other teachers in school. The news spread like fire. I was on cloud nine with all the attention I was getting.

Finally, the day arrived. I went to the venue and what I saw was a big hall full of people. The crowd included both students and teachers. I was very confident until then. However, when I saw so many people, nervousness started to creep in. My teacher and aunt sensed that and took me aside. I don't remember what they told me, but I had gained confidence after speaking to them.

It was my turn now, and I went on stage with a broad smile as usual. I did not make eye contact with anyone and sprang into action.  In full josh, I started my story, introduced my characters, placed them, and then I happened to look at the crowd. And that's it. I was not able to recollect what my next line was, which character was supposed to talk or where the character was supposed to stand. My brain shut its door!!!!! I knocked, and it was not ready to open. My heart started to beat fast, and my whole body was shivering so much as if they can disappear if they increase the frequency.

I saw my aunt and teacher doing some weird actions, but I did not understand a thing. I stood there as tears started rolling down the cheeks. I might have been standing there for 2 min, praying to god to make me disappear. Finally, my aunt came on to the stage and took me with her. I was humiliated, ashamed, and hurt. I did not want to stay back, so we went home. I sobbed all the way. Even after reaching home, I didn't stop crying. I wept until I was tired and then slept off without even having food.

That incident left a big wound in my heart and mind. I stopped participating in any solo competitions where I had to go on stage and talk. Somehow I used to manage to sing with a shivering voice. I shifted my concentration towards poetry competition, story writing, and Samasyapooranam (In which you will be given a random sentence in Sanskrit. You need to write first three lines of your own so that the sentence given should be the 4th line and make sense.) I was shining in these. I won prizes in school, sub-district and district levels.

I was happy, and I never missed or realized the value of speaking up or presenting something until I entered the corporate world. I would never put forward my ideas or thoughts. My colleges started taking credits for my work. In my personal life, I could never speak up for what I wanted even to my close ones. Already an introvert became quieter and quieter. I would be terrified by the idea of speaking to new people. The stage fright started to haunt me whenever I had to present something or talk to many people in a meeting.

My life was continuing the same way. One day I happened to attend Toastmasters Club.

The first day as a guest! I listened to some of the great speakers. Instead of feeling confident, I started to feel even worst about myself. 'All of them are such good orators, do I even belong here,' was the thought which came into my mind. What came as shock to an already terrified poor soul is the Table Topics session where you will be given a topic on the spot and you have to talk about it for 1 – 2 min. I was now petrified. I tried to shrink my body as much as possible so that people will not be able to see me. But someone called my name and I had to go on stage and speak. I blabbered something which didn't even last for a minute. I came back to the seat, and still, my body was in flight mode. After I came back to senses, my mind was filled with ideas. I could have told this; I could have made this gesture etc. etc.

I will never forget this incident in my lifetime, I thought, and ran back to my desk as soon as the meeting over.

Wondering how I transformed from this tongue-tied fearful girl to silver-tongued confident woman I am now?

Details in the next blog post☺.

P.S: Cartoon Courtesy Akila C K, one of my best friends